His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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