Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
