I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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