I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
