Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize