Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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