y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
