On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
