Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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