For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
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you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
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Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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