Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
