Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
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