Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
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