I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
