"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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