Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
He felt like a one man threesome
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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