one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
