we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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