Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
