I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
