We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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