My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
