Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
