Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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