you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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