I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Dear god my vagina.
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