I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
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