Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
