I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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