that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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