Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
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