Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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