omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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