I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
