bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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