did you get engaged???
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
