I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
