gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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