Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
