Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
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