did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
