Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
