He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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