Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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