my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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