When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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