her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
