Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
