I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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