She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
