i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
