I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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