Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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