i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize