Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
