It's Friday. Sex?
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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