I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Randomize
