Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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