dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Sext me about skeletons
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Randomize
