How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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