So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Randomize
